Wonder about my value of time
When I am thinking of it, my time seems meaningless with the several decades I have lived on this Earth. Many times I just wish to end this all in my sleep without waking up a new tomorrow. I wonder to myself what goals exactly I had in the past? what goals drive me now? When everything seems so far away from me. I feel incompetent. Perhaps it's my inner voice speaking after spending quite a lot in solitude - with or without choosing so. I don't know, perhaps my world washed off it's color when I had enough tear drops falling on it. Soaking the color of wishes and dreams to the ground. Perhaps the optimists may think with the color, new seeds my emerge with one color or another so slowly but steadily.
Time wasters are something that are easy to find, from Google to Google's Youtube and Tv and phone and streams and flashy products you work very hard to buy and barely use and probably selling it as second hand to get the new flashy product that might solve your own issue of life dissatisfaction. Perhaps I am wasting my time by imagining life that were not supposed to be mine to begin with. Perhaps I over esteemed the luck would had in the later years. Perhaps indeed.
I wish I could draw more, paint and focus on creating comics or manga, something written and drawn with ideas of my own. Even if none of you will see it, even if no one will ever know I existed, I would at least create something - for me.
I was so focused on work and career and the feeling of incompetence that followed me around 4 months which amplified the feelings I already had since a decade.
By 27 I imagined my self to be married and to graduate University and having good degree. As you can tell I didn't achieve anything of this sort I suppose it's ok, since you can't expect to get what you wish.
It's a wish. It just meant to hold hope for you to move forward till you figure out you were just holding on a dream as excuse to keep moving. That's exactly how I feel.
For 15 years I wanted to improve my drawings but I didn't. I didn't improve at all, I wonder if my ADHD let me I would perhaps go to professional field... but I suppose not. My family will find a way to discourage me from this dream too. These useless mother fuckers know only how to discourage. Unless it's about weddings or garbage religion.
I am grieving. I am grieving the life I supposed to have, the childhood I should have had. The girl who grew into this woman who just waiting for it to end.
Because I don't believe not in god and not in bonds - both of them show up and disappear when the other party chooses.
Now it's my choice, I don't believe in it. I don't believe after all time people or god are reliable - I don't find myself reliable to begin with.
As time goes forward I am standing in the same place, full of emotional garbage and shame. Waiting for the last tick to take a breath and hold.
Hold it to myself.
No more them, just my heart having it's last beat.