Repeating does not mean mastery
I decided to take some steps for my self as such - Quitting the soul draining job I had. I am glad I have done it but it makes me question what now? I don't know exactly since the market for juniors is pretty much GARBAGE. Living in a small country + war times + layoffs from big companies = more competition that my little unfaithful ass can handle. It's a bit stinging my heart knowing that no matter how much I tried and endured it was for nothing. Karma? Not existing. 'Spiritual lesson'? Shut your bitch ass up meme inserted Like what is spiritual lesson to be learned? Suffering is way of living? Why I should accept it? Why people tell 'put faith in god' yeah right the god who decided to put me in shit ass situations not helping out watching staring eating his popcorn, not giving a damn or shit or care and just letting you run your own movie till it's too hard and then you will pray for him and then what? he will go with "oh by all means my dear - I was just waiting for you to have faith in me" Yes, I absolutely agree. sure sure. And I am not only speaking about work and money and my none existent career which I tried and failed for 10 years to build something and here we are - WITH NOTHING.
Then I am also thinking to myself about my garbage enabling family members who protect abusers and go 'oh he has trauma' IF SOMEONE HAS TRAUMA IT'S HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO TREAT IT. I will say it again - IF SOMEONE HAS TRAUMA IT'S HIS OR FUCKING HER RESPONISBILITY TO TREAT IT!
I don't fucking understand how for 15 years - Same story going around with my garbage family, masochist, neglectful, childish, bunch of bull-shitters, Two faced people, who enjoy showing what good mother or people they are. I just returned from a vacation five fucking days of vacation which wasn't really restful since I argued many times with my partner just to return TO THIS DUMSTER ON FIRE situation that AGAIN - makes the police visit my house. WHY WHy WHY whY I don't fucking understand my garbage life any longer. It's not worth investing in it.