My mental health is not in good place
For a while I feel like I am trying my best to pull myself out of my depression, isolation and especially my loneliness. Being bullied most of my life, being a push over and being a gullible made me waste several decades of my life. It leaves me to question why the hell I am even alive. I got to this new job but from what I saw and felt I feel like I have done a big mistake especially when I know that right now money is tight. There are no other options presenting themselves for me. Did I take something that is above my head? I feel many times stupid as hell it is what it is. I can't really argue with the parts that are very critical of my life. From where I wanted to be in the past and my present I can see a huge gap. I feel like I don't really matter. Despite knowing I passed so many things in my life - so did others, being a victim or being unlucky can't give me the privilege of having an easy life. When I as 14 my depression kicked in. My sadness accompanied me like Dexter's dark passenger - the difference is that I don't want to hurt any one, only myself. But I know I can't run away of existence, as I am reading how after life supposedly works, how my religion perhaps sees this darkness and what is the value of life I am still confused and sad.
Familiarity is something I am afraid of owning with people. I can be familiar but not feel familiar you know?
I didn't wake up to work today- well, technically I did...but what I mean is that I didn't go. I called off sick, feeling rage and hate towards myself as I try to breath. I think that I might have panic attacks which I never saw them before as one. I have been stressing through so many things, I don't feel connected right now to anything. I feel like I am staring at the world and disappearing to little bits of matters of the past. Decaying little by little, my mind is rotting - at least that is how I perceive it.
I am just tired, I am tired of struggling even though I still keep living, I don't want to wake up in the morning, I don't wish to wake up in the morning. it's not a life worth living but still I do. I don't see life which you struggle to live for yourself. Care taking others I am good at it, at least that's how family and past friends would let me know. I don't feel cared for I am afraid. I don't feel seen or perhaps I feel invisible. I like being in my room, sitting privately and at times just crying. Music helps me. Listening to music, my songs - instrumental soundtracks or just good EDM makes me feel good. I want to isolate myself but right now I am too far away from financial independency. I feel like I am always alone, while looking back at my life I realize no matter how loving or nice or even you know, whole heartedly caring - it does not mean the other person has the same values or interests.
I want to travel. To live alone, to not wish each day to not wake up in the morning.