It's hard for me to be consistent
Even if I know the goal is important - I can't blame but myself with the lack of consistency. At times I wonder if it is because I don't care. I just feel burnt out with life and with the struggle I am going through. Changes can be great but I don't think I know how to manage them very well. I had an issues with my training instructor - Since he behaves like a military drill surgent and expectations for me are very high. I want to quit just because of the pressure and the behavior I see. I like the fact that I could speak up when I was bothered with some things that triggered the shit out of me. I am trying my best to maintain my cool. I understand there are many more jobs out there that look forward to get me in, I am just not sure I am qualified or perhaps good enough to apply? I am not sure. I don't like the fact that I am letting my emotions and my pride to get into the way of my thinking. I spoke with some people and they did justify why I am feeling the way I feel with the overwhelming emotions over me. I wish I was consistent with drawing, with reading, with playing the guitar, with saving money and not spending much. I wished to learn to draw to create a manga or a comic book with some ideas that till I will not publish I won't share. These are my private ideas after all and I enjoy the fact that at the moment - we don't really have tech that gives random people accessibility into your mind.
I like writing here, even if I don't have really a point to convey I like it. I am also thinking of the fact that it has been a while I wasn't showing up here. I also realized some other stuff. I am learning about my personality things I should fix, more like things to adjust or perhaps to correct. My mindset is very nihilistic at times. I just want to sleep most of the time. Funnily I chose a work place that forces me to be awaken around 4 A.M and something. I am happy there is a weekend. I love weekends, except Fridays. Fridays always feel to me like the worse days of the week when it comes to my interactions with family.
I want to be happy but I am not sure it's possible. I want to live but right now I am in survival mode. It's my reality in the moment. I don't think I feel much love around me. It has been so long since I saw someone smiling genuinely to me. Interested in me as a person and not as a ego boost or distraction. I just wish I could find my space of peace but I am doubting it. I wish I was more consistent with taking care of my body and my mental health, I mean - I do go to a professional, but when it comes to self image and body image I am very far from ideal. Even though I do little steps going away from toxic people, which are former friends betraying my trust even though I was seeing them as family. It is hard for me to understand when things go both ways. I don't know. I really don't know what is security meaning. I won't joke about politics even if I really feel like doing it...NVM I am going to do it. That purple man ,I am angry at him for being still in a position of CONTROL. 2 years we are in this pit fall. I hate it. I don't wanna feel like I need to shrink myself to be safe. I don't like neither orange or purple. You know which color I do love? BLUE. Blue is the color of security, of stability which I perceive of it.
Lately my body takes my stress to another step which worries me, I try to breath. In the train I read Pama Chundrun book and relax with it.
I voice my feelings at the moment but I am not sure who is listening.