Been a month - nothing changes
Interestingly when I am looking back to how things were emotionally a month ago, comparing it to the present I have come into the conclusion that all the time I invested, all this time I suffered - not worth the end result. I don't know if it's because it's not the end of the journey, beats me. I had enough of this bs. I try so hard to work, to be consistent but it's so hard to continue doing stuff when you feel like you become your shadow self. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't recognize my happiness or humor or bubbly personality. I feel so closed off and to be honest I am done sharing. I am so done sharing. But I have to share my energy. I was born to share no? In the end, I am a person that even if I wanted to create a business I would fail. Why fail? besides my rotten mindset? it's because I see how I manage myself, my personal communications and connections and I figured out I am always in emotional debt, I fucking hate my self and my life. I fucking hate how things turned out, my naivity made me to push far ahead hoping to find some peace, instead I am paying a psychologist to hear him telling me "you are in a plonter " and questioning "so what you are doing with these meetings"... I try to survive mother fucker, I tried all this time to survive and to breath and each time I have a meeting I end up feeling like it's the first meeting like the dude does not understand that after 3 years perhaps he should know some bits about me. He really pissed me off last meeting.
I think therapy is a scam. Pretty much a scam to make people vent and take a place holder for people who don't have a loving family or secure friendships. If you were born unlucky it gonna have consequences my dears. That's exactly what I figured. If you feel invisible since you never given attention despite investing money, time, self care, love, emotional wellness in the people that supposed to love you - you are fucked.
Since age 15 I have been in therapy, I have been depressed most of my life but I tried my best to live. Best life can give is "here, since you have generational trauma since your family came from uga buga primitive country - you going to enjoy the rest by... FIXING your T-R-A-U-M-A!" I have to take responsibility AS USUAL of the hurts others do - because 'I let them to hurt me'. I deliberately chose to get hurt, yes I am totally a masochist ! People are fucking gaslighting like their life depends on it. full of farts.